A GUIDE TO CHENNAI'S EMOTIONS.

Life comes with all shades of emotions-the green jealousy, the blue sadness, the black resistance, the yellow joy, the red boldness, the purple royalty etc and if you want to see all of these together-

WELCOME TO CHENNAI.

Starting from my radio alarm early in the morning which goes “Hellloooooooooo Chennai kaya moya kaya moya kaalaile coffee kaya moya moya Gemini Bridge samme traffic kaya moya kaya moya moya”- I’m looking back to the times when the radio channels actually played music and make a mental note to switch to the good old “gadigaram” from today.I move out of my bed and I hear my neighbor Aunty shouting at her kids in spite of their pleas “Amma five nimits ma pleeaaase. Please Amma” (Poor kids. Thank God I started working).

Then my sister ,who has to catch the college bus at 6.30 A.M is packing her record notes into her bag with one hand while talking on the phone  with the other -“Hey where is the bus?...What it crossed Loyola college huh?.....Please ask driver to wait de…. Pleaseee”

Then my Dad who is the kind of person who can find adventure even in mediocre things runs out to get his bike and says “Come fast. We can chase the bus” while my sister follows him out with my mom running behind her back with the tiffin box and doesn’t make it in time to give it to my sister. She hurries back, sees me drinking my coffee and shouts at me “Can’t you see she left her tiffin box? Can you take your bike and chase your dad?”

I partially convince her that there is a unit called “canteen” in the college and that my sister would be able to get herself a “decent” lunch (God, please forgive me for lying ).I try to avoid all the voices drilling my head and try to keep myself under the surface.

And then –THE RUSH HOUR.

In Chennai, Rush Hour can be defined as the time during which an Innova car, an Avenger bike, an Auto and two Splendours try to enter a gap between the lorry and the bus all at the same time or the time during which the policeman, the zebra-crossing pedestrian, the bus driver and the unemployed lungi clad passer-by start having a bad-worded conversation in the middle of the four road junction.

Can anything get worse? Apparently it can. I’m what they call “the girl in the guys’ bike” and I’m certainly not the exaggerating type. To all those friends who feel that me driving the Hero Honda Splendour is the coolest thing that you can tell your mom’s over dinner-there’s more to it than coolness. And to that friend who said that “Thank God you’re from Chennai and not from a conservative village like me “-this post is for you. That conservative village is better than the pretentious Chennai.  I can prove that with the following case studies

CASE 1: YOUNG MEN

COMMENT: “Take a look Machan. This is Chennai” and they try to break, skid, do Snake Babu Stunts causing commotion on the road and they go vroom vroom vrooooooooooooo*&^%#$#@ Wham* 

Their eight has just become seven and a half!

CASE 2: MIDDLE AGED MEN

COMMENT: “Don’t know where the country is leading us to” (with a sad sigh)-but sorry Uncle ,until and unless you’re the President I feel you need not torture yourself with your visions for the country.

CASE 3: OLD MEN

COMMENT: “Dear why do you need such a big vehicle?”- I’m sorry Sir, it’s all I got but I would be glad to see you sponsor for a new scooter.

NOTE: Case 1,Case 2 and Case 3 has no much difference-they are all just boys categorised in the above manner purely based on the amount of hair on their head and their degree of baldness.

I have seen a lot of men driving a pink Scooty Pep but it has never affected me personally. I somehow get through this rush hour running a favorite song in my head and reach my office. It starts all over again.

With the above rate it’s no doubt that 1 in 5 adults in Chennai have hypertension or BP. So how do you manage without giving into the emotions around you? You can follow my take it easy policy that I have stated below

-When someone is screaming at you just recite to yourself “I’m not going to get the Hypertension. I’m not going to get the Heart attack never ever never ever ever ever ever ever”

-If someone shouts a bad word at you on the road, think to yourself “Kanna bad works speaking na bad tension coming and you getting bad nurse put BP tablet into the bad mouth ehaa ha ha”

-With the summer on the way these emotions are going to run high along with the sweat and hypertension. So before leaving home drink chilled moar or watermelon juice and don’t forget to wear your deodorant.

- And if everything else goes out of hand just imagine the person screaming before you do the gangnam style.

 OPPA GANGNAM STYLE!

I NEVER SAID THAT!

A friend of mine stated that my blog consisted of some anti-Chennai posts. I told her I was offended. How could she after she knows how much I'm entwined with Chennai and its charm. I was born here in the heart of this city. Back then I lub-dubbed my first heart beat here and my first words consisted  of a few syllable specifically “Kuwah Kuwah Kuwah...." -but now Chennai has taught me to speak( a variety of words, some of which, if heard by my Mom she would give me the kneel-down punishment),to be patient, to be sympathetic, to keep ticking to its tune, to be curious , to forgive, to always make space for others, to learn, to be busy, to take time out and to want life with all its might. This connection with Chennai is there in my birth certificate and it will be there in every facet of my life forever-INVINCIBLE. It’s just the masked evil lurking around this city and spoiling its unique personality that evokes my anger.

The Raj Bhavan hotel where I argue with my father about politics over a weekend coffee, the marina beach which beckons me to dip my feet in it even when I'm busily driving by, the Kuvam River highly polluted yet ready to take more of Chennai's domestic wrath while continuing to add identity to the city, the kebab shops in Meesarpettai roads, the Basha Halwa stall’s Dhum Ka rot from Jaambazaar (ya the alwa with the "H"),Velu military Barotta and Salna, the Pondy bazaar street shops, the Burma bazaar thiruttu DVD, the kind lady who live in a hut with her family near my bus stop and gives me water from an old Kelvinator fridge whenever I feel thirsty walking to my stop, the school girl who gets up from her seat in bus to give place to an elderly grandma, the cyclist who goes along the corner of the street to not to erase the Marghazhi Kolam drawn on it, the lorry driver who pulls up his vehicle to the side of the road even when the signal is cleared to give way to an ambulance, the Police uncle near T-Nagar who forgave me for driving into a one-way road, the crazy fans who do paalabishegam to movie stars ,my granddads cemetery, my school, my college, my best friends, my childhood, my family’s history ,my favorite cousins etc. have bound me immensely with this gorgeous city with an invisible firm rope. The city has made me cry by its sheer madness and consoled me with its pacifying hug to live on, no matter what life may put forth. Chennai is a place where I feel safe even out of my home. Where people from other places see Chennaites as a nosy interfering crowd I see concerned neighbors who want to find out if I am OK .On returning to Chennai after a long journey I get the feeling of hearing my mom’s anklet tinkling as she comes to feed me soup during my sickness.

More than the history or political significance or economic settlement, the people here are the mere essence of Chennai. They make Chennai the city it is today- a city which gives an home to any lost soul, healing them by its capacity to mother any stranger as its own. Proof-Around 21.6 %( 937,000) are migrants in the city, 74.5% were from other parts of the state, 23.8% were from rest of India and 1.7% were from outside the country. The fact that it is still affectionately known as Madras around the world shows that no one is ready to ever forget the phenomenal past affair they had had with the city.

Lonely Planet (Travel guide book and Digital media publisher) describes Chennai as” lacking Mumbai's prosperity, Delhi’s history or Bangalore's buzz. Even the movie stars are not that hot”. I would say that all cities in India put together cannot exhibit the quintessential humanity that Chennai has never failed to offer even to its enemies. Where else in this country can you find rice flour Kolams which are drawn on streets primarily to feed the sparrows? As for the actors-with lesser looks, no six pack, zero dancing skills and  absolutely negative degree of hotness, Rajinikanth has overthrown every other Indian actor to rank second in Asia’s highest paid actors(next to Jackie Chan) just with his breath-taking style and iconic dialogue delivery.

So before you can claim something wrong about this city stop a moment and look around-you will definitely find someone to help you clarify.

"Vandhaarai Vazha vaikkum Thamilaga Thalainagaram" – Anonymous

P.S: The places listed above are true and are my suggestions for an exquisite local cuisine experience! 

THERE IS ALL BUT NONE.

Well I had this trip to Hiranandhini Upscale luxury apartments and got to see Chennai’s biggest high end project with a view of the backwaters and the beach. Mind boggling-like really, especially from the 28^th floor where your ears block up like you’re in a hill station and you stay a foot away from the balcony because it looks like the suicide point; I believe that’s what is meant by the word mind boggling. Or like we say in Tamil –Andharra a irundhudhu! The first thought that came to my mind was that I should buy a flat at this place. The second thought was-Who is going to fund me? My dad is my first option of course but he stopped partnering with me a long time back because he became the prime financier in most of the cases (OK: all of the cases).The consequent thoughts were to find future prospects such as an handsome single guy who owns a flat there or attempt the CAT exam (like in the Gautham Menon movie because it seems to be the current trend but it has not yet beaten the scope of joining the politics to make money yet).

BOTTOM LINE: SORRY MR.GAUTHAM MENON.MAYBE IN YOUR NEXT MOVIE YOUR HEROES START THEIR LOVE SEARCH AFTER GETTING SUCCESSFUL IN THEIR LIFE SINCE PUPPY-LOVE JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO BE WORKING OUT FOR THEM BECAUSE ITS OBVIOUS THAT I CAN SEE AS CAN THE WHOLE WORLD SEE THAT THEIR LOVE SUBJECT EITHER DIES OR LEAVES THE HERO FOR THE SUPPORTING ACTOR.
And the next morning -WHAM! Truth strikes me hard. This is the view from my house.

THE RATION SHOP  NEXT TO MY HOUSE

The line continued past my house gate and I had to break the cue in order to go out. Believe me it was not an easy task because the kind lady in front raised her hand attempting to hit me with her koodai and the toothless thatha behind shouted “Ariville me unakku. Moonje paaru…pinnadi poi nille me”. Usually I’m a very violent person but I didn't retort because I knew the intensity of the need for their daily ration and also I knew that if I did retort I will be surrounded by aunties with lethal weapons such as kerosene cans, large koani bags, laminated ration cards (seriously dangerous when used near the eye area) and uncles who would start questioning my VMSS status (Vekkam Maanam Soodu Soranai).

This ration shop adjacent to my home is the most sought after destination for the below-the-poverty-line inhabitants of the nearby “cheriee” (slums)  or should I whisper the name “cheriee” because I heard that Tamilnadu is working towards a Chennai devoid of slum areas- no guys don’t get the wrong idea; they aren't going to adopt methods such as counselling, educating and providing other housing solutions for these people but by chasing them to unknown barren spaces in and around the state so that they can “show” a slum-free Chennai! I knew that there are dumping grounds for wastes and now they have allotted dumping ground for humans too!!!!!
 Who is this Chennai home to if it’s not ready to house its own inhabitants? For whose purpose is the metro projects, the malls, the pubs and the parks when 56% (34.92 Million) of Tamil Nadu’s population lives in rural areas and only 36% (14% of rural population) have access to toilets and bathing rooms. It’s as absurd as hosting a dance show without Namitha as the judge.(http://www.tnrd.gov.in/externallyaidedprojects/vazhndhukattuvom/project%20implementation%20plan/chapter_draft.pdf)

IT IS VERY UNLIKELY THAT THE LADY BELOW IS GOING TO FIND THE ABOVE PLACE AMUSING
FACT:CHENNAI IS HER BIRTHPLACE AND SO IS IT FOR  AROUND 13000  PEOPLE LIKE HER.

On an entirely contrary note to the ration shops,there is this newly emerging style of shopping for groceries in the various supermarkets in the malls. Ladies are finding it amusing to move around with their trolleys looking like heroines out of a Hollywood movie. I do go to malls often (not that I’m a pure potti kadai customer, at least not now exactly-maybe eight or ten years back I was an ardent customer of Annachi kadai where I purchased rasna packet, thaen mittai, balli mittai, dry jamun and other non-milk non-exclusive Chennai sweets at 25 paisa per piece) especially when I don’t have a single rupee in my pocket and I need a sheltered air-conditioned place without sand or sunlight or entrance fee; Express Avenue is my first choice. But when I am sitting there basking in the limited sunlight through the doom and enjoying the breeze from the centralized AC, I look at the people with small shopping bags, large bills and larger forehead wrinkles due to the various shifts they work in order to pay those bills-my mind voice goes like “Aiyeeeee jolly jolly jolly jolly jolly jolly…….”
 So what happens to my PROJECT POSH FLAT? It’s aborted of course because I don’t want to live away from the truth, ignorant about my fellow citizen. I’m scared of this ignorance because I had been one of the blind youths who feel that Chennai is a metro hub of malls, nightclubs, pubs, theaters and all the other veils thrown over the very helpless situation of our state - poverty, illiteracy, hunger, unemployment. I just want my friends to realize what I have started realizing as the very gesture of realization could do wonders. I know that in youths there is no good or bad category. Hundred per cent of us are good: it’s just that we lack the knowledge.

“The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore they attempt the impossible and achieve it, generation after generation”
-Pearl buck

THE STORY BEHIND THE TITLE!

The bar to the right of my house directly opposite Valluvar Kottam.

The bar to the left of my house.

The bar to the left of my house

Yes the blog is named TASMAC-you read it right and yes I'm a girl-you don't need to recheck my profile .It’s you who must be a NRI if you feel that a blog created in Chennai by a Chennai-ite should not be named after  " TASMAC-THE ALMIGHTY".Literally!

 I joined work this Tuesday and wanted to find a route sans TASMAC to my office but believe me I could find none. Majorly because there are around three TASMAC in the Valluvar Kottam high road alone-two to the left of my home and one to the right. I don't want to encounter a TASMAC first thing in the morning because firstly I can’t stand the fact that Chennai inhabitants keep falling prey to the governments yet another hideous avatars .(How many of you know that TASMAC stands for Tamil Nadu State Marketing Corporation and that it brought about a whooping 18000 crore revenue to our government in 2011-2012?) and secondly even at those early hours “free captives” are walking out of the shops ,some as young as me-who should be chasing their dreams and it really mitigates my belief in humanity early in the morning.

 ( All three photos taken at 9.30-10.00 am on  my way to work!)

Machi oru quarter sollen

I’m not talking about the eccentric Devdas types who are just distraught that girls are not their gadgets anymore and couldn't decide whether they are man enough to face up to them nor am I complaining about the so called hero types who feel that just because they have huge money, a production company and a wacko comedian friend they could get drunk to gather the guts to break into their ex-girlfriend’s wedding.

BOTTOM LINE:SORRY MR.RAJESH BUT NO OTHER WORD SUITS YOUR MOVIES THAN PATHETIC.HOPE THAT AT LEAST YOUR NEXT MOVIE CONTAINS LESS BARS AND MORE OF THE MOVIE.THANK YOU.

Nor am I pointing at the I-DRINK-THROW-UP-SLEEP-ALL INSIDE MY FOUR WALL types. I’m just worried about the “All of us are drunk now: let’s go gang rape a girl” types who sober up later to blame short skirts and uncultured women for provoking their innocent libidos.

BOTTOM LINE:IF YOU DON’T SEND YOUR DAUGHTERS OUT LATE BECAUSE THEY MIGHT GET RAPED,CHECK YOUR SONS TOO BECAUSE THEY MIGHT BE OUT RAPING SOMEONE.

Rapists make the entire community of drunkards look bad. I mean I had a certain respect for drunkards. They are just harmless chaps who beat up their mothers and wives occasionally demanding money for their egocentric obsessions.All the above has resulted in another drastic social affliction-ME WRITING A BLOG. Now what is that you’re going to find in my blog that you can find in a TASMAC?

1) Frankly there is going to be a lot of frankness and honesty which you can only find in a highly enlightened drunken monk.

2) Some may experience a lot of anger because when I’m frank I tend to say the truth and when truth is leaked, it makes people angry.

3) There could be a lot of emotions running high just like in a TASMAC where men hug each other after the first peg and bite each other’s ear off after the last!

Also I wanted the title to be a head turner. Every TASMAC in Chennai is a head turner. Men turn towards it wondering what side dish they are serving today –chili beef or mutton chops and women turn towards wondering whether their lost husbands are in there. It’s a sad decision to name my blog this way when it took the lives of so many people I knew. Had they lived they would have been not only a source of income but also a source of love, happiness, hope and strength to their estranged families.Though its obvious that I find TASMAC repulsive I name my blog after it because in India the things that we are scared to discuss about are the things that cause a great social threat.AIDS,TASMAC, cast-ism,unsafe sex,child abuse.......................the list is endless.

So cheers with you! I’m a very confused person (as confused as a person would be only after a full McDowell) and I’m going to make this blog a space to unload my confusions ; to be free to look at things with a clarity.

After all life in Chennai is a truly TASMAC experience!